The invisible blogger strikes again!

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Hello people! It’s me! I put a new post on! Hello! Well sorry for all the exclamation marks there, but I swear I’m invisible on this here blogging site thingy. Oh I’ve had a few readers, well, one that I know of this week, but some people get hundreds and I need to find out exactly why I don’t. I don’t think search engines like me very much. I was told “Oh it’ll be alright when you get picked up by a search engine, then you’ll be well away”. Well I haven’t been and I’m not. Maybe it’s because I put on too many of these whingy “Why isn’t anyone reading my blooooooggg”??? posts. Right then, I’ll stop that right away and wait for another reader to come flooding in.

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Anyway, trying to be funny as ever, I’ve been on a bit of a bread thing comedy wise this week, whereas all my jokes seem to be bread related. You could say I’m on a bit of a roll! (Sorry). I know, I should use my loaf more and try to come up with funnier stuff than that, or I won’t get ANY readers at all! I should sell my jokes, I certainly knead the dough (groan), I’ll just have to (french) stick at it. People say I’m usually funny, but not at the moment because they don’t find bread jokes very funny. They think I’m crackers and say that I waffle on too much. It’s just that I see so many people laughing at the jokes of others and I suppose I want a pizza the action. Maybe my jokes are just too corny (cornbread) as they all seem to fall flat (flatbread). Someone even shouted something about Foccacia at me, at least I think that’s what he said. Maybe what I need is more filler, instead of just these silly bread types. Still, did you hear of the baker who got eaten by one of his own loaves this week? It was tiger bread! I’m terribly sorry and will try to do butter, sorry, better next time.

Maybe this ‘Great British Bake Off’ programme has gotten to me. Doughnut fear, brave readers, for I shall return with another slice of humour soon!

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Funny blog? Anyone? No?

Well, that’s it. I knew that last night’s blog post was the funniest thing that I have written in a while. So I just sat back and waited for the comments to come flooding in. “Great post”! “Yeah man, go you”! “Funniest thing I’ve read for years”! “I laughed so much, I ruptured my spleen”! Etc. Only, I’m still waiting for the FIRST comment to come flooding in. I have quite a few ‘likers’ and ‘followers’, but not many commenters. I decided that if I get no comments this week, that I am DEFINITELY, gonna give this whole blogging thing up. One day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not the week after the week after the week after that. But, oh blow it, I don’t know how the saying goes. I need to get more readers. Somehow…

Do UFO’s need passports & immigration control?

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Well it’s a funny one, I know. You must be sick of me writing things related to air travel by now. But just imagine it for a moment. A UFO (or UAP if you want to be all correct about it) would be funny, if they visited earth and had to go through immigration. “Hello Sir or Madam, what is the purpose of your visit to our country and how long do you plan on staying”? Why would they be here? Just visiting like E.T? Or maybe for abduction purposes. If they didn’t have a good reason, or no passport, would that make them an illegal alien? Could they be smuggling? Who knows? They might just be here for the ‘duty-frees’, as they probably can’t get our quality selection of perfumes, tobaccos or alcohol wherever they came from. Maybe they came for the sun, as all the ones on TV seem to have very pale and insipid looking skin. Do you think they have cabin crew on them there things? Please feel free to leave me your thoughts in the comments.

“Last call for Uranus at gate 18”. Gotta go that’s my flight. I’m gonna go through a WORMHOLE! See you next time!

A big rock in Mallorca

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I went here the other day, to look at a lighthouse (Cap de Formentor) and to look at this big rock (Es Calomer). I climbed up (and down) a truckload of precarious looking concrete steps and pointed my camera at that there rock and because I did, you can now look at it too. I also realised that I don’t like heights like this, especially when people are coming and going past you in all different directions and I could very easily have ended up in that very water you can see below. I therefore declare this sight ‘Beautiful but deadly’. The photo is all my own work, but I think from now on, I’ll take pictures of things a lot closer to the ground!

In Absentia

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There have been no posts recently, as I’ve bin on me hol’s! No, not ‘In Absentia’ as that in’t an actual place. But I’ve been somewhere and now I’m back. So something’s coming. Just give me a while and I’ll be posting again as usual. TTFN!

Fine-Ants Problems

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Well hello again! I hope you are having a fine and happy summer, o readers of my incessant blog! We’re not, in the UK that is. The weathermen (and women) tell us that “it’s going to be a lovely day tomorrow, with temperatures up to 22 degrees celsius” and then it isn’t. It’s cold (16 deg.), wet and rainy, then on the next forecast, they say “Well it’s been a lovely, warm day today” and it wasn’t. So maybe they’re just pretending, as there’s nothing they can do about it. Anyhow, I’m digressing as, the main reason for this ‘rant’ isn’t the weather at all, but rather money. ‘Finance’, not like the title at all is it? It certainly isn’t funny and neither is money.

We recently had to change some money from ours into theirs for a holiday, at the rather French sounding, ‘Bureau de Change’. Why can’t they just call it money exchange? Anyway, this is from British Pounds into European ‘Euros’ that I’m talking about here. I spent weeks watching the euro exchange trends, seeing it bounce up and down against the pound, like a pony-tailed young girl in a tennis dress at Wimbledon, trying to win a few points against it’s opponent. The Greeks couldn’t seem to sort out their problems with the ‘single currency’ and I waited, like a hawk, fluttering it’s wings and hovering above a mouse or vole, ready to pounce the very moment the Pound hit the magical 1.50 mark. Or 1.45, or 1.44, you get the picture. But it didn’t and when the Bank Of England didn’t do what it was supposed to do to the interest rates, the exchange rate suddenly fell like a stone and I, like a rat leaving a sinking ship, dived into the nearest foreign exchange to change my money at a paltry 1.38! We had got some Euros a few weeks earlier at a higher rate, so we’ve still done fairly well I suppose and only lost a few pounds into the bargain. The last time we went, we only got 1.20, so we’re still way ahead of that now. At least I now know that I couldn’t work in finance. Never mind ‘Black Friday’ or whatever, my nerves are now so bad, that on my first day there, I would be the first out of the window, even if things were going OK! I know I shouldn’t joke about such things, but I could never handle such a high-pressure environment. I get worried if I over-inflate my tyres, never mind the bloomin’ economy!

What I do dislike about changing money though, is the porkies they all tell! That is, porky-pies (lies). Bit of rhyming slang there. They say, “Oh come and change your money here, we don’t charge any commission”! Rubbish. So the actual foreign exchange rate for the Pound to Euro is say, 1.42, that means that on the online comparison site, the place you intend to change your money at, will say 1.40 or 1.39. When you get there however, it will say 1.38 or even 1.36! I always ask why this is and they say “No, we don’t charge commission, but we have to make money somewhere”! In other words, they DO charge commission, but call it a ‘different’ exchange rate. Then if, while on holiday, you haven’t blown the lot on bull-shaped bottles of Sangria and china donkeys in hats with holes for their ears to poke through, as presents for the family, then you get robbed again, when you try to change your money back! The rate to get your pounds back, always means that you lose quite a lot, just on those two transactions alone! So it’s always best to really enjoy your holiday. Forget about blowing a load of cash on things for Auntie Flo et al and just stuff yourself with spicy foreign food and strange herbal concoctions of the local spirit, to use the money up. Then when you get to the ‘Bureau de Change’, you’ll have such a bad head, you won’t care if you get much back or not!

I hope you have all had/are having/will have a great holiday or just a great summer if you’re staying at home. Whatever you’re doing, make the most of what we have left of any good weather as, as I always say, it will “Soon Be Christmas”!

Busy, Out Of Office.

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I know, how could I be here if I’m not? Well I don’t write on ‘Mobile devices’ as, if you’ve read my post on them: https://puttingmyselfdown.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/mo-bile-phones/ you’ll know why. So I am here, but I don’t seem to be being ‘read’ by many people yet and I’m currently out of ideas and so I’m taking ANOTHER week off! I’m sorry if this bothers anyone, but I just can’t think of a single thing at the moment and my funniness, if there is even such a word? (I know there isn’t), seems to have left me. Maybe the lack of laughs are what is keeping people from my blog in the first place!? I was thinking of maybe posting bi-weekly? Or bi-monthly even. Is there a bi-decade-ly? I hear you ask. But no, I cannot come up with as much as a sausage! So I shall go away and try to find where the fun has gone. (who’s idea was it to put fun at the start of funeral)? Hopefully I shall return anew, refreshed and raring to go! Or not. Or as my art teacher once said at the end of a lesson where we were all gluing things onto picture boards, “Thanks for sticking with me”. See what I mean? Not funny! Ho-hum. See you…eventually.

No post this week, sorry.

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I have damaged a finger, so cannot type well at the moment sorry. Hope to be back next week. Thanks for sticking by me.

My life (edited)

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Wouldn’t it be great though? If you could? I have made mistakes, we all have I think. Only mine, well. If only there was a life ‘Tipp-Ex’ or a big eraser, so that you could go back a day, erase it and then start over. Live that day again, only do it right this time. I would have got through a thousand gallons of correction fluid by now & there aren’t enough rubber trees in the world for MY mistakes.

Frank Sinatra’s song “My Way”, for me would go “Regrets, I have a lot, but then again, too many to write down”. Or Edith Piaf’s “No Regrets” would be a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. DELETE. Would be a whole different ball game song.

Whole days, sorry, make that weeks, would go missing from my school life. Things I wish I had done differently, would take another half-life to correct. Jobs, dates, even girlfriends, would fall by the wayside and totally disappear from my life history! But at least I would be happy. Happy? Content? Pleased? Meh? At least I would be. Lets just leave it at that. Maybe it’s not right to tamper with your past though. Or every day would be a sunny day. The school bullies would never have existed and I would always have been head boy. In my dreams.

But there are definitely a few things that I would change. I have always had this idea, that there are about three events in my life, that I did one thing, when I KNOW that I should have done another. Niggling little doubts about getting on that bus, when I should have walked and other such things. But I think they’re just doubts. We never get the chance to ‘correct’ mistakes and just have to learn to live with them.

So what I am trying to say is, if someone gave me the chance to change my life and go back to this or that point and ‘do it right this time’. I know I couldn’t. I would always choose to carry on and shoulder the burden of doubt and just get on with it from here on in. Right?

Don’t be so bloody daft! Now where did I see those ‘build your own time-machine instructions’ again?

Can’t find my latest post?

Hi everyone! If you are looking for my latest post, being Thursday and all, I put it on yesterday as I just couldn’t wait. I know you all sit there with baited breath, awaiting my Thursday posting, but just to confuse you, I posted too early. So there will be nothing being put on here today at all. Sorry. Well, nothing except this of course, but it’s not as ‘funny’ as usual:

The Diabetes Monster!

No. I know. There’s no such thing as a diabetes monster. I have been a type 2 diabetic since 2007. I got a shock upon my initial diagnosis and lost over a stone. That’s about 18 pounds to my American readers. Then I stopped worrying and learned to love my condition. Well alright, I didn’t love it. I didn’t WANT it. But I was getting no symptoms, so didn’t worry about it. Eight years later, I’m STILL not getting any symptoms. But the BS (that’s blood sugar, not the other kind of BS), has gone up a bit.

Someone said to me the other week “Oh you mean you’re blood’s too sweet”. I thought ‘how sweet of her to notice’ only, well, it wasn’t THAT kind of sweet. They say ‘you are what you eat’. So in other words, I AM sugar. Or syrup, or honey, or treacle. Oh stoppit, I’m making me hungry! I must have the worlds sweetest tooth and maybe now the worlds sweetest blood too. For all my brother and sister diabetics out there, no, I’m not eating pure sugar or any of the others. Anymore. There was a time when I could have drunk syrup or poured sugar straight into my mouth. I didn’t, but I could’ve. The worst thing like that I ever did (about thirty years ago), was buy a jar of ‘comb honey’, you know, just a jar of honey, but with a bit of honeycomb in it? I ate that in about three days. I was a pig, I know. But I’m over that now, oink oink! Anyway, my blood sugar readings were going through the roof! My medication was put up to maximum. Then, a revelation!

I was told what the magic word was. Carbs! Carbohydrates, you know like bread, wheat, potatoes, rice, pasta and all the other lovely, tasty things like that. They have to go! Aaawww! I love carbs though. They are the best, tastiest things you can eat. Or so I thought and unlike those endless videos that tell you what their weightloss ‘secret’ is, if you will only watch to the end of the video, (three days later), when you discover that this secret is only available in their instantly downloadable ‘ebook’ and only for ‘X’ number of dollars! I will actually give you this free bit of advice, that my fellow diabetics on a UK forum told me (also free of charge), that carbs are evil! Well no, not evil, but and this doesn’t just apply to diabetics, they not only put up your blood sugar levels, they make and keep you hungry and also keep you fat! I have cut out a lot of the carbs I was eating, even those really, REALLY healthy cereals, with ‘No Added Sugar’ and everything. My blood sugar levels have dropped like a stone and are now well under control once again. Also, for the last few years, I have had an insane hunger, that I thought was uncontrollable! Not now it isn’t, not now I’ve cut my carbs way down.

My dietitians were all telling me that carbs are OK, as long as the bit that says ‘of which sugar’ is low by comparison, meaning how much of those carbs on the label are actually from sugar. So say for example, total carbs are 35g per 100g of product and as long as the sugar part is only a small percentage of that, say 5-10g per 100g, then you’re fine! OK! Hunky-Dory! Rubbish. To a diabetic, ALL of the carbohydrates turns to sugar, which means high blood sugar, bad hunger and more ‘keep fat’ than ‘keep fit’! So dietitians, you’re WRONG, (I think)! So I now aim to eat no more than 50-80 grams of carbs a day. They say you should have 130g a day, but that again, is rubbish. You don’t need to worry so much if you’re NOT diabetic of course, but if you want to lose weight, I can recommend trying a low-carb diet. Of course you should ask your health professional first, I don’t want a law-suit on my hands! Nor can I guarantee that everyone WILL benefit from this. But MY blood sugar levels have gone down, along with my hunger and I am currently losing about one pound a week, it’s not much but hey, after six years of being stuck at the same weight, it’s good to not hear the scales groan so much when I step on them!

So, this is a funny blog? Well it was, but now it’s turned into making a serious point. It just goes to show, that my fingers don’t always type what my brain tells them too. It’s worth it though I suppose. If you can help ONE person they say…Ho hum.

Have a good and sweet weight-losing week dear readers!