Humbugs for Christmas!

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I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I hope all of my readers had a happy Christmas and to wish everyone a very happy New Years! for 2016 of course.

Maybe I should say ‘all of my reader’, as I’ve still not quite hit the big time, in the wobbly world of blogging and still haven’t grabbed many of you into reading and worshipping my every printed word. But I will keep plodding on, I’ve got something big in the pipeline and hope that people will want to read that. Possibly.

See you next year, dear reader(s)!

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I don’t do lists. So in light of that, here is mine.

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1) Why does Christmas come around sooner every year? Oh I know there’s at least 365 days between each one, but they somehow ‘manipulate’ that for sure. I’m old yes, but not stupid enough to believe that there was more than 100 days since the last one. Maybe it’s a time thing. ‘Inflation’ or something like that!

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2) Why do women secretly have this wish to wipe out or just blind the male population? Just because they appear to be shorter than us men, (I’m only 5’6”) and go around on cold, rainy and wintry days with the points of their umbrellas pointed at our eyes at an angle of about 45 degrees?

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3) Why do people in London have this ‘London Weighting’ thing? They get paid more, just because it costs more to live there. I understand that. What I don’t understand, is why when I visit there, I don’t get paid more for the time I am there and have to pay grossly inflated prices for everything!

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4) How does Santa enter our houses, now that chimneys are a scarce item in new properties?

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5) Why do multi-storey car parks have to be made, so that when you drive around them, unless you can turn on a sixpence, you nearly bang into every wall and then have the tiniest spaces possible, with lots of dividing walls to cause even more scrapes?

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6) Finally, why is Rudolph the only reindeer to participate in Red Nose Day?

I’d better stop now, or someone else on here may think I’ve stolen her list idea.

I wish someone would give me humbugs for Christmas, then I could go around offering one to everybody, saying ‘Bah, Humbug’?

Meanwhile, just remember that “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to feed and be fed in return”. (With apologies to Eden Ahbez).

The invisible blogger strikes again!

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Hello people! It’s me! I put a new post on! Hello! Well sorry for all the exclamation marks there, but I swear I’m invisible on this here blogging site thingy. Oh I’ve had a few readers, well, one that I know of this week, but some people get hundreds and I need to find out exactly why I don’t. I don’t think search engines like me very much. I was told “Oh it’ll be alright when you get picked up by a search engine, then you’ll be well away”. Well I haven’t been and I’m not. Maybe it’s because I put on too many of these whingy “Why isn’t anyone reading my blooooooggg”??? posts. Right then, I’ll stop that right away and wait for another reader to come flooding in.

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Anyway, trying to be funny as ever, I’ve been on a bit of a bread thing comedy wise this week, whereas all my jokes seem to be bread related. You could say I’m on a bit of a roll! (Sorry). I know, I should use my loaf more and try to come up with funnier stuff than that, or I won’t get ANY readers at all! I should sell my jokes, I certainly knead the dough (groan), I’ll just have to (french) stick at it. People say I’m usually funny, but not at the moment because they don’t find bread jokes very funny. They think I’m crackers and say that I waffle on too much. It’s just that I see so many people laughing at the jokes of others and I suppose I want a pizza the action. Maybe my jokes are just too corny (cornbread) as they all seem to fall flat (flatbread). Someone even shouted something about Foccacia at me, at least I think that’s what he said. Maybe what I need is more filler, instead of just these silly bread types. Still, did you hear of the baker who got eaten by one of his own loaves this week? It was tiger bread! I’m terribly sorry and will try to do butter, sorry, better next time.

Maybe this ‘Great British Bake Off’ programme has gotten to me. Doughnut fear, brave readers, for I shall return with another slice of humour soon!

Blogger blogging about bloggers

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I know right? What a ridiculous title! But what it meeeeeans, is that I think as a blogger, I seem to be more successful at reading other peoples blogs and commenting on those. My best ideas come when I have just read someone else’s funny blog. Then I seem to be spewing words left, right and centre! When I have to do it myself. Well, it’s harder. I believe that this is, as I seemed to moan (jokingly) about a lot of things when I started out. For instance: https://puttingmyselfdown.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=2&action=edit  which was my first post, all about how much I dislike ring-roads as we call them. Especially the one around Norwich in the UK. Then there were posts about doggy-poop at the beach and mobile phones. All meant to tittilate and touch your funny bone, albeit with a serious undertone. Now I seem to have run out of things to moan about! I think that’s because I STILL moan about ring-roads and mobile phones in real life. The problems that make me laugh don’t seem to change much, but I can’t go on writing about them for ever, can I? New things do come up of course, like my latest dislike about air-travel. I HATE flying! I have flown, in total, for 25 hours! Yet the latest two of those hours (one flight) made me feel just as bad as the first hour. I don’t enjoy it, never have, never will. Mostly because of that strange feeling of nothing being below me. I like my terra-firma, to be a little firmer than that of an aircraft’s thin metal bits. Also, as I’ve never had a flight lasting more than two hours, (a lifetime for me), I’ve never gotten to enjoy the entertaintment system that long-haul routes seem to have. On my flights, it’s all coach and one tiny, weeny little screen for about 30-40 people in each section, if they have any at all!

Oh I’m sorry, I’ve just done it again haven’t I? I promise not to talk about flying again! Well not in this post anyway. Please feel free to read some of my earlier stuff and tell me of your ‘bugbears’, things you don’t like, or absolutely detest even! Who knows? My blog may even feature in there! I wouldn’t be at all surprised. I’ll leave you with this strange thought I have just had. If someone commits a crime on a road crossing, would the police put up those signs saying “Crime scene, do not cross”? Then you’d be stuck, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, must fly! Whoops!

PS Must just let you know that one of my favourite pastimes, when I get the time, which is only rarely now, is I have a FLIGHT SIMULATOR! It’s just a computer prog on this very machine, but I love it! It’s sort-of safer than ACTUAL flying, as you can go off and make a cup of tea or something if you get bored. Maybe that’s why I hate flying so much, as you have to climb into a real plane and risk life and limb in order to do it. Getting to the other end is the payoff I suppose, but then I can’t settle until I’m back at home, sitting in my favourite armchair, or on here, boring you lot (dear readers)! Oh no, I promised and here I am again. Shut-up about flying already Gilbo! I’m sorry. See you next week? Maybe?

Funny blog? Anyone? No?

Well, that’s it. I knew that last night’s blog post was the funniest thing that I have written in a while. So I just sat back and waited for the comments to come flooding in. “Great post”! “Yeah man, go you”! “Funniest thing I’ve read for years”! “I laughed so much, I ruptured my spleen”! Etc. Only, I’m still waiting for the FIRST comment to come flooding in. I have quite a few ‘likers’ and ‘followers’, but not many commenters. I decided that if I get no comments this week, that I am DEFINITELY, gonna give this whole blogging thing up. One day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not the week after the week after the week after that. But, oh blow it, I don’t know how the saying goes. I need to get more readers. Somehow…