So…I’m still here!

I’m sorry folks, I know I promised to write a big bad blog this year, but although I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’m sorry to say that I’m still here and am still planning to do it. I STILL haven’t sorted out my complaint about an airline treating my partner like doo-doo, just because she has a disability. This is in part, due to the fact that it involves the SPECIAL company who arrange holidays for people with disabilities, the travel company who they booked our holiday with, the airline who that travel company seconded our flight to, even though they have hundreds of their own planes and the people who provided ‘assistance’ by throwing my partner around like an old sack-o’-spuds and leaving her actually sitting atop one of the seatbelt holders! They are all currently passing me from pillar to post and not accepting ANY responsibility. So anyway, if I EVER get around to doing this promised super-blog post, it will probably be about how, not that my partner is disabled, but how the whole world IS disabled. The more I look around, the more things I see that are made into barriers to keep disabled people OUT. We have rules now that say any new buildings must be made accessible to all, but so many companies have found ways AROUND those rules, by building their places into awkward shapes and putting ‘dividers’ about the place, to stop wheelchairs from getting anywhere near. Like one restaurant I know that has fixed seating by all the tables and you are not allowed to put a wheelchair on the end of the table as it’s ‘against the fire safety rules’ and they are legally allowed to (and do) enforce that rule. So in other words, NO wheelchairs are allowed in! Although it’s illegal to discriminate. Work that one out if you can!

WHOOPS! I nearly started writing a post right there and then. Sorry! Hope to see you all soon!

Mai time had come

mai_tai

I am someone who, when ‘inspired’ to do something, will stop at nothing to achieve my desire. Not just ‘oh I think I’ll do that’, but something clicks within me. Like many years ago, given the challenge to fix an ‘Anniversary’ clock. Someone put this thing down in front of me, said “I’ll bet you can’t get this going again” and left me with it. Of course, such a challenge to me is more like a red rag to a bull. Let me explain to those of you not in the know, just what an ‘Anniversary’ clock is. You may have seen one. It has a circular wooden base, with a clock movement atop it, below the clock part, at the top of four metal posts, is an arrangement of four (for want of a better word) balls. These spin around, like a circular pendulum, making the clock tick as they stop one clockwise revolution and tock as it completes an anti-clockwise one and so on. All of this is covered by a glass or plastic dome. The anniversary part, is due to the fact that it should run for about 400 days or thereabouts, so if you get it as a gift, you then wind it up on the anniversary of receiving it. I’m not talking about a silly, battery operated one either. No, this was as mechanical as it gets, the four-balled pendulum dangles by a thin strip of metal, like a kind of spring that gets wound up and unwound on each alternating spin and it was this that was the main problem of this clock. My instructor informed us that the best way to see why a clock DOESN’T run, is to watch a working one and try to discover exactly why it DOES run. So I sat there for a few hours watching a good one to see what made it tick (and tock). I’m digressing, so will cut this short. Basically, although it took me about a week of tweaking and watching, (while doing other things as well of course), I completed the challenge and fixed the clock!

The main point of this post, which has taken me ages to reach is that for years, I have wanted to try a (rum-based) ‘Mai Tai’ cocktail. I used to drink a lot of rum when younger and believe that I may have, single-handedly, helped keep the Barbados government budget afloat with my rum-drinking efforts! However, having ‘asked around’, it seems that no-one local, or within over a thousand miles even, makes or sells such a concoction! I kept asking and even printed out the ingredients and handed them to various barmen in pubs, inns and hotels all around, all to no effect. I finally accepted that no such cocktail would be imbibed by me, unless I made one myself. I gave myself a challenge to drink one on Christmas Eve 2015 at the latest. So armed with the internet, (thankfully, as I could NEVER have done it without), I set about researching the history and ingredients of the previously unsourceable Mai Tai. It would have been much easier if I had simply had the funds to take a holiday in Hawaii, the Caribbean or even just California and other such places that DO make and sell such a thing. But it wasn’t to be and so, burning the midnight oil and poring over web-based documents, like Gandalf, trying to research the history of THAT ring. During my search, I discovered interesting characters such as “Don the beachcomber” and “Trader Vic” and their infamous, colourful histories, while trying to find the original and best version of my much sought after libation. Not happy with just any old Mai Tai was I, oh no, I had to find the actual, proper one as, apparently, nearly every bartender and ‘mixologist’ makes a different version. So I eventually found the real one and then spent a few more weeks trying to find the ingredients locally(!) Not an easy prospect at all! I bought some ‘bits’ in the shops, had to find others on the internet and even had to resort making my own in the kitchen! Did I succeed? Of course I did, but the first version, created just the day before Christmas eve, was not very good, although I did it! But have made a much better and more enjoyable one since, but oh my heavens is it strong!?  (I had a different cocktail abroad last year, an ‘Aviation’, only it tasted very good, but very weak as, obviously, the bar wanted to make it with hardly any alcohol, in order to make a massive profit out of me)!!! So now I shall probably have to ‘water down’ my own Mai Tai, in order to save me from being blown away by booze, every time I fancy a cocktail. I’m not much of a drinker anymore and thank goodness for that! I hope this hasn’t left you all shaken? (Or stirred, come to that). Happy New Year! Hic!

P.S. The picture above IS an original Mai Tai and not like any of the red, orange, pink or whatever people will tell you is the correct versions, when they’re not. It’s the taste that counts. Maita’i roa ae. Look that up, if you have the time!

Humbugs for Christmas!

I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I hope all of my readers had a happy Christmas and to wish everyone a very happy New Years! for 2016 of course.

Maybe I should say ‘all of my reader’, as I’ve still not quite hit the big time, in the wobbly world of blogging and still haven’t grabbed many of you into reading and worshipping my every printed word. But I will keep plodding on, I’ve got something big in the pipeline and hope that people will want to read that. Possibly.

See you next year, dear reader(s)!

I don’t do lists. So in light of that, here is mine.

1) Why does Christmas come around sooner every year? Oh I know there’s at least 365 days between each one, but they somehow ‘manipulate’ that for sure. I’m old yes, but not stupid enough to believe that there was more than 100 days since the last one. Maybe it’s a time thing. ‘Inflation’ or something like that!

2) Why do women secretly have this wish to wipe out or just blind the male population? Just because they appear to be shorter than us men, (I’m only 5’6”) and go around on cold, rainy and wintry days with the points of their umbrellas pointed at our eyes at an angle of about 45 degrees?

3) Why do people in London have this ‘London Weighting’ thing? They get paid more, just because it costs more to live there. I understand that. What I don’t understand, is why when I visit there, I don’t get paid more for the time I am there and have to pay grossly inflated prices for everything!

4) How does Santa enter our houses, now that chimneys are a scarce item in new properties?

5) Why do multi-storey car parks have to be made, so that when you drive around them, unless you can turn on a sixpence, you nearly bang into every wall and then have the tiniest spaces possible, with lots of dividing walls to cause even more scrapes?

6) Finally, why is Rudolph the only reindeer to participate in Red Nose Day?

I’d better stop now, or someone else on here may think I’ve stolen her list idea.

I wish someone would give me humbugs for Christmas, then I could go around offering one to everybody, saying ‘Bah, Humbug’?

Meanwhile, just remember that “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to feed and be fed in return”. (With apologies to Eden Ahbez).

The invisible blogger strikes again!

Hello people! It’s me! I put a new post on! Hello! Well sorry for all the exclamation marks there, but I swear I’m invisible on this here blogging site thingy. Oh I’ve had a few readers, well, one that I know of this week, but some people get hundreds and I need to find out exactly why I don’t. I don’t think search engines like me very much. I was told “Oh it’ll be alright when you get picked up by a search engine, then you’ll be well away”. Well I haven’t been and I’m not. Maybe it’s because I put on too many of these whingy “Why isn’t anyone reading my blooooooggg”??? posts. Right then, I’ll stop that right away and wait for another reader to come flooding in.

Anyway, trying to be funny as ever, I’ve been on a bit of a bread thing comedy wise this week, whereas all my jokes seem to be bread related. You could say I’m on a bit of a roll! (Sorry). I know, I should use my loaf more and try to come up with funnier stuff than that, or I won’t get ANY readers at all! I should sell my jokes, I certainly knead the dough (groan), I’ll just have to (french) stick at it. People say I’m usually funny, but not at the moment because they don’t find bread jokes very funny. They think I’m crackers and say that I waffle on too much. It’s just that I see so many people laughing at the jokes of others and I suppose I want a pizza the action. Maybe my jokes are just too corny (cornbread) as they all seem to fall flat (flatbread). Someone even shouted something about Foccacia at me, at least I think that’s what he said. Maybe what I need is more filler, instead of just these silly bread types. Still, did you hear of the baker who got eaten by one of his own loaves this week? It was tiger bread! I’m terribly sorry and will try to do butter, sorry, better next time.

Maybe this ‘Great British Bake Off’ programme has gotten to me. Doughnut fear, brave readers, for I shall return with another slice of humour soon!

Blogger blogging about bloggers

I know right? What a ridiculous title! But what it meeeeeans, is that I think as a blogger, I seem to be more successful at reading other peoples blogs and commenting on those. My best ideas come when I have just read someone else’s funny blog. Then I seem to be spewing words left, right and centre! When I have to do it myself. Well, it’s harder. I believe that this is, as I seemed to moan (jokingly) about a lot of things when I started out. For instance: https://puttingmyselfdown.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=2&action=edit  which was my first post, all about how much I dislike ring-roads as we call them. Especially the one around Norwich in the UK. Then there were posts about doggy-poop at the beach and mobile phones. All meant to tittilate and touch your funny bone, albeit with a serious undertone. Now I seem to have run out of things to moan about! I think that’s because I STILL moan about ring-roads and mobile phones in real life. The problems that make me laugh don’t seem to change much, but I can’t go on writing about them for ever, can I? New things do come up of course, like my latest dislike about air-travel. I HATE flying! I have flown, in total, for 25 hours! Yet the latest two of those hours (one flight) made me feel just as bad as the first hour. I don’t enjoy it, never have, never will. Mostly because of that strange feeling of nothing being below me. I like my terra-firma, to be a little firmer than that of an aircraft’s thin metal bits. Also, as I’ve never had a flight lasting more than two hours, (a lifetime for me), I’ve never gotten to enjoy the entertaintment system that long-haul routes seem to have. On my flights, it’s all coach and one tiny, weeny little screen for about 30-40 people in each section, if they have any at all!

Oh I’m sorry, I’ve just done it again haven’t I? I promise not to talk about flying again! Well not in this post anyway. Please feel free to read some of my earlier stuff and tell me of your ‘bugbears’, things you don’t like, or absolutely detest even! Who knows? My blog may even feature in there! I wouldn’t be at all surprised. I’ll leave you with this strange thought I have just had. If someone commits a crime on a road crossing, would the police put up those signs saying “Crime scene, do not cross”? Then you’d be stuck, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, must fly! Whoops!

PS Must just let you know that one of my favourite pastimes, when I get the time, which is only rarely now, is I have a FLIGHT SIMULATOR! It’s just a computer prog on this very machine, but I love it! It’s sort-of safer than ACTUAL flying, as you can go off and make a cup of tea or something if you get bored. Maybe that’s why I hate flying so much, as you have to climb into a real plane and risk life and limb in order to do it. Getting to the other end is the payoff I suppose, but then I can’t settle until I’m back at home, sitting in my favourite armchair, or on here, boring you lot (dear readers)! Oh no, I promised and here I am again. Shut-up about flying already Gilbo! I’m sorry. See you next week? Maybe?